Party Pooper

Dear Suri, I showed up early to this party I was invited to, and my friends got pissed ’cause they weren’t ready. I ended up punching a hole in their door! I was just so over their kid stuff bullshit. I’d do it again tomorrow! — Jimmy Pesto


Dear “Jimmy Pesto,” Punctuality is as much a virtue as it is a social grace. While it is unfortunate that distress has been felt on both sides, it is certainly not too late to make things right.

The process begins with a sincere and respectful apology on your part. In this case, compensation and accommodation will also have to be offered for the property damage.

Friendship is a delicate process, but it is essential after a transgression for both parties to offer necessary concessions, to keep this important bond intact. ~ Suri


Suri Says™
by Suri Syrtauwnya
Advice Editor
Residential Life Magazin


How Many Calories in Love?

You can’t list ‘love’ as a food ingredient. That’s the word from the FDA, after a Massachusetts bakery listed the emotion as part of the production of their locally-famous granola.

In a letter to the business, the FDA said: “Love is not a common or usual name or an ingredient, and is considered to be intervening material.”


News Offbeat
Real Stories from Around the World
by Danny Inc  
News Editor
Residential Life Magazine

Fair Weather Friends?

Dear Suri, I finally got a job after being out of work for almost a year, and now people are coming out of the woodwork wanting to take me out for drinks and celebrate. Where the hell were they when I was down and out?!

I’m not trying to be a whiner here, but I faced some pretty scary days, Suri. A couple months, I was close to getting evicted, and I skipped meals most weeks. I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m just saying.

So it’s a little hard to accept all this attention as genuine. I’ve a mind to tell everyone to shove it up their ass! — (Anonymous)


Dear Anonymous, Congratulations on your new job. May it be the perfect fit, and help bring you much happiness.

Humans, as you know, are terribly complicated creatures. There are times when a well-meaning friend feels they are unable to offer any real assistance, or perhaps they are in a similar situation – dealing with shortcomings and frustrations of their own.

This is by no means an excuse for those who may have, indeed, written you off in your time of need. Perhaps, with your new perspective, this is an opportunity to re-evaluate your current relationships, and also create renewed bonds with others.

It is wise, however, to take care not to make rash decisions, or take severe actions you’ll regret later on. ~ Suri


Suri Says™
by Suri Syrtauwnya
Advice Editor
Residential Life Magazine

Get a Life

Following a storm, I had some yard waste I wanted to get rid of. Tuesday (yard waste day) came and went, and the stuff was still there. Wednesday, I noticed they left a note that the stuff needed to be tied up or “contained.”

At this point, a sane person would just tie the stuff up and wait until next Tuesday. But that’s not the route I took! Instead, I just put it on the other side of the house, knowing that the yard guys mow the lawn on Friday.

Now, they have a choice to either leave the stuff there and mow around (which would come back to bite them) or pick it up. Either way, I win. Yay, passive aggression!

by Jeremiah Johnson
Residential Life Magazine


Rants n’ Raves with Jon Novin
Residential Life Magazine

Feedback Friday

…and Eat it, Too

Running unsuccessfully for President and then trying to go back to your old gig is like giving notice to your employer, and then when that doesn’t work out, going back and begging them to keep you on. You wanted to leave. See ya!


Explaining Crime

Everybody gets ice cream except this one kid ’cause of something he did last year. Everybody gets to go to the park except this one kid ’cause of something he did last year. Eventually he’s going to realize he has nothing to lose and act out again.


Stranger Danger

Never get close to people. They can drop an old phone and say you broke it. They’ll have witnesses to “back it up.”

Upset with Road Crew

Instead of patching the road all the time, just fix the road! It costs more to constantly patch up than to just fix it! What the hell are we paying taxes for?!

Parking Wars

Dear Suri, Though there are no assigned spots in my company parking lot, the natural understanding amongst co-workers is that once you “claim your spot,” it remains yours until you leave the place or get demoted or something. If you’re sick or on vacation, other people might park in your spot while you’re away, but they all know that things go back to normal once you get back. Or at least most people know.


There’s this one guy at work who doesn’t get it. He’s new, so one day I took him aside and explained the “rules” as I just explained to you. And do you know that the guy went ahead the next week and still took my spot?! Total dick move, if you ask me.

I approached the guy again to give him a little reminder. I didn’t get violent or anything like that. I just let him know what’s what, and that he shouldn’t be parking in my spot anymore and being blatantly disrespectful.

Next thing I know this douche goes to HR and rats me out! Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything reckless to him or his car, but I have to make my point clear, you know? How should I let him know that I’m not going to just sit back and let him steal my space like that? — Stressed in Salinas


Dear Stressed, As you detailed in your opening paragraph, there are no assigned parking spots at your workplace. Barring a written policy that has been disseminated to every employee (new and existing), I fear your efforts will continue to be in vain.

There is a cliché that states “Pick your battles.” The decision before you, then, is whether a parking space is worth professional discipline and possible termination. Take good care to reach the choice that will best benefit your positive future endeavors. ~ Suri


Suri Says™
by Suri Syrtauwnya
Advice Editor
Residential Life Magazine

Two by Four

Like many people, I hate cardio. I won’t even try to shy away from that fact. It is, however, an integral aspect of any fitness routine, and absolutely essential to losing the pounds, and maintaining a healthy weight.


Pushing It

Some years ago, to help me get through workouts, I would come up little phrases that would make me laugh and put a bit of fun into exercise. Or so I thought at the time. I started to give myself little ‘pep talks’ while running on the treadmill, saying things like:

  • “Come on, fatty! Let’s move it!”
  • “You don’t like this, but you didn’t seem to have a problem eating that ice cream last night!”
  • “Chunky loves his pizza, and now Chunky has to pay the piper!”
  • and so on

Initially, the plan seemed to be working. I would briefly chuckle, and then continue my routine. Eventually, the self-jabs even started to work as a sort of motivation; I was pushing myself to prove myself wrong.

In the end, however, I had to leave the putdowns behind. Little by little, there was less “coming on” and more gorging on ice cream and pizza, with no remorse whatsoever. When you only have to answer to yourself, you can let yourself down rather easily.

Practice What You Preach

Recently, I resumed these ‘pep talks’ during exercise, but now instead of berating myself for past indiscretions, I offer words of encouragement and congratulations for making a conscious effort toward long-term health. So, my previous jabs have now turned into positive affirmations:

  • “Yeah! Down one pound, here’s to another!”
  • “Despite a long day at work, you’re still out here exercising. Good job!”
  • See it, man! It’s happening!”
  • and so on
Don’t focus only on weight

Keep It Positive

If your friend came to your house and said “Wow, you’ve gotten a lot fatter since I saw you last,” or “Damn, girl, way to let yourself go!,” you would likely slam the door in their face (and maybe even cross them off your friends list). So why accept this kind of criticism from yourself?

You’ve already made the first step toward life-long wellness. Don’t let your own personal attacks prevent you from finally reaching the goals you know you can achieve!

by Raul Lisneski
Health & Fitness Editor
Residential Life Magazine