A Domain by Any Other Name

I couldn’t wait for this douche to get out of my office. He was going on and on about how he bought all these goddam domain names back in the 90s, and how he just “sits back and collects checks” now. Give me a break. I hate this prick already.

In case he (and anyone else) didn’t notice, it’s not the 90s (or what I like to call ‘the worst decade since the dawn of time’) anymore. Get with the goddam program. People aren’t as stupid as they used to be. Well, they’re still dumb as shit, but they’ve smartened up a little.

See, domains are cheap these days. Not like “back in the day” when they were 70 and 80 bucks a pop.  Hell, I registered “suckmyballs.net” the other day for $2 a year! Okay, I didn’t register it yet, but I’m about to. If you go in there and take that domain away from me, I’ll beat you within an inch of your life. I will teach you a lesson you’ll never forget, punk-ass! I’ll slam your head down on my desk before you can even blink. I will not back down for one second. Not one second.

But back to the task at hand, so you’ve got cheap domains, plus a million options for URL extensions. It’s not just .com or .net anymore. We’ve come a long way, baby! I hope those motherfuckers at Virginia Slims come back at me for using that phrase. I’ll shank you SOBs in a heartbeat! I’ll whip your ass with a rusty chain! I will shove you against the wall in one snap of my fingers. Try me on for size, you bitches.

Even some snot-nosed, fat-ass, asswipe kid can buy a .org these days! There’s no more integrity to it! Throw all the rules right out the goddam window! Who gives two shits?! I guess no one does. So be it!!

Then you get into the fact that you can just pick another name if yours is taken. If I want “AbleAbe.com” and some asshole has taken it, I have three options:

1)      I can either shell out some of my hard-earned dough to some douche (not gonna happen!)

2)      I can drive to said douche’s house, force him to give me the password, and then push him out a second-story window, or

3)      I can just find another name

And if that cocksucker has bought up all the variations (AbleAbe.net, .org., .deeznutz), I’ll just get creative with hyphens. And if he wants to be wily and play some game and buy up all of those variations, too, well, then, I’ll stab him with a shard of glass! I’m not gonna sit by and let this happen. Not on my watch. Not today.

The point is, these days buying domain names is pointless. And anyone who actually pays one of these schmucks who had nothing better to do with their time back then but buy all these random names is a dumb-ass. Plain and simple.

And if you think I’m wrong, or that I don’t know what I’m talking about, I welcome you to come over here and say that to my face, you son-of-a-bitch! I’ll knock you right off your chair! I’ll knock you into the next goddam week!

by Abraham “Able Abe” Aenstograafik | Residential Life Magazine

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