Patronizer

I’m done with you hypocrites! I told a friend I’d be enjoying a hotel stay and nice meal for Easter Sunday, and he went off about how I’m “part of the problem” this and “keeping the system alive” that. I should have shoved his face straight through the vending machine glass. Dick. I’ll drop him like a hot potato. I’ll take a fug’n leather belt to his head! No one talks to me like that.

He’s pissed ‘cause he says the only reason places stay open on holidays — forcing employees to work — is because of “people like you,” referring to me and the countless others who shop at stores, eat at restaurants and otherwise enjoy their vacations and time off.

How does this douche know how many people are out on a holiday unless he’s out, too?! This prick wants to make me feel bad? I’ll break his arms. I’ll snap him in half like a got-dang Slim Jim.

There was a time when places were open only at specific times. It meant you got stuff when the stores were open. Even if you were on shift work, you knew that you could only get the things you needed at certain times. Maybe you had your fat-assed old lady get it for you while you were working. Maybe you had to just wait until a day off. But that was the way it was. And that was the got-dang olden days, which are long gone now. Good riddance to that horseshit era!

Party time. Excellent.
Party time. Excellent.

Pretty soon, stores started shifting their hours to accommodate changing times. They realized that people wanted and needed to get stuff done outside of “normal business hours.” I can’t wait until banks, libraries and the lazy sons-of-bitches at the Post Office finally wake up and get the message!

Look, people are gonna shop when stores are open, okay? Just like it’s not my role to leave a huge restaurant tip to make up for the government’s refusal to pay waiters a living wage, it’s not my problem if some store wants to make a few extra bucks over Christmas, or any other day!

This is America. If I need something, I’m gonna go get it, regardless of what day it is. It could be the Pope’s birthday for all I care! I’ll be out buying what I need. And anyone who doesn’t like it — including the Pope — can suck a fug’n lemon.

Speaking of which, what about people from other religions? I don’t hear any Hindus getting all worked up because everything’s open on Raksābandhana! And if things were closed on that day, or anyone else’s Holy Day, asswipes like my buddy would get all up in arms about it! They’d be so pissed! I’d love to be there to kick them all in the fug’n face!

Bottom line, this is how it is. Get used to it. And I’ll keep going to the store every Easter, every Christmas, every New Year’s Eve at 11:58pm. I’ll be patronizing every place that’s open when I need it to be open.

And anyone who has a problem with that can line up right now. I’ll get you in a headlock in about three seconds. I’ll cut off your got-dang breathing and make you pass out, you snot-nosed bastard! Try me!

by Abraham “Able Abe” Aenstograafik | Residential Life Magazine

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2 thoughts on “Patronizer

  1. Abe, you’re nothing but a keyboard commando, and you know it. I’d love to sit down for an actual conversation with you. Guaranteed, five minutes and you’d be running off like a little girl. Get out from behind that computer screen and stand up like a real man!

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