Life and Death

Just Don’t Call Me Late for Dinner

What’s in a name? Plenty.

I’m so sick of parents naming their kids without any regard to how it’s gonna affect them in the long term. It’s abuse is what it is! Not only should these parents be ashamed of themselves, but they should get arrested! I’m just… I’m trying to keep my cool here, but I’m pretty close to flipping my lid. I’ll flip it like a got-dang pressure cooker!

Weird for the Sake of Weird

anal-bum-coverMy buddy’s new girlfriend is named Gaeymei. It’s pronounced like “Jamie,” but apparently her parents were psychotics. At the very least, they didn’t own a baby book, and/or had been living under a rock for decades. (Even though I’ve never met them) I hate that lady’s parents. I really do. I hope I can get both of them in a headlock sooner than later. I’ll put them both in a chokehold. I’ll choke ’em ’til they pass out! I will do that without blinking an eye!

Now this chick has to live the rest of her life not only having people mispronounce her name, but then comes the barrage of questions. Why’s it spelled like that? Are you from Argentina? Do you think you’re better than the rest of us? It never ends.

Goes Around, Comes Around

No parent wants to think of their kid getting picked on, but when you make some dumb-ass move like this, you’re just setting them up! I hope this lady lets her anger and frustration just well up inside of her, and then, when her parents are old, just lets them have it. I mean really lays into them like a Christmas ham. I hope she pushes their heads into the got-dang floor. I hope she takes a bed pan to their skulls. That senior center will be rocked by the pain she’s gonna rain down!

The bottom line is this: don’t just give your kid whatever name you think sounds cool at the time without thinking it through from all angles. That’s a total douche move. You might think it’s funny, or that you’re helping them be different, but you’re really only helping them gets their ass kicked, and begin a resentment towards you that will last until the moment they decide to break your fug’n arms. I can’t wait for it!

by Bartt Zarb
Residential Life Magazine


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