Recent rants on dealing with garbage men made me realize it was time to share my own “two cents.”
As people, I’m sure garbage men are fine individuals. As garbage men, they are the laziest mofos on the planet. Who are they to decide what I can put out for the trash? I’ll put whatever I want out there, and if it’s something you don’t think you should take, for whatever reason, you’re taking it and then dealing with it. I’m not playing games, and I’m not going to waste my time figuring out what to do with “illegal trash.”
When something of mine doesn’t get picked up, I take it as a personal offense, but also a challenge. I’ll make you cocksuckers take my trash. I’ll do whatever it takes for you to take that stuff from my curb. I’ll resort to some pretty shady things in order to get what I need. Who wins? I win.
In the past year, I’m proud to have been able to get away with quite a lot. Of course, there’s always the small stuff, like getting yard waste into the regular trash (or vice versa), but a lot of time I go for the bigger wins.
I’ve put a broken laptop in the trash, wrapped paint cans in plastic and put them in boxes for recycling. I’ve cut up wood pallets, dry wall, concrete, and other building materials and passed it off as household waste. Of course, that was before I discovered the dumpster down the road that says “construction waste only.” Man, I chocked that thing so full of house and yard waste it wasn’t even funny. Except to me, of course. I love it! Deal with that, asswipes. Eat it.
Then there was the time I purposely threw out some pretty toxic and caustic materials. I hope those dick garbage men choked on the fumes! That was a huge win for me. I was celebrating all day.
Us Against Them
The next time they don’t take something I left out for the trash, I’ll chuck it straight at the driver’s window. Let them get into a crash. I’ll say the guy was drunk! Or better yet, I’ll bring the stuff to their office and just dump it on the receptionist’s desk. She can suck on that fatty all day long! I’m done with it.
Bottom line, the dance ends now. I’m not going to let the garbage men or the trash company dictate my life, or think they can call the shots. Not on my watch!
by Bartt Zarb
Residential Life Magazine