The Main Vein

The other day my friends and I were downtown and I really needed to drain the lizard. Most of the places had those “No Public Restroom” signs, and there were no trees in sight. I was about to piss myself right there in the street!

Then it hit me. If they think I’m a customer, I can do my business all day long, and no one can say ‘boo.’ If they know they’re going to get some cash out of me, why would they even care?

The thing is, I had no intention of buying anything there. Small business owners can suck on it as far as I’m concerned. So I decided that I was going to get what I wanted, and they weren’t going to get jack!

While my friends pretended to look over the menu, I hit the john hard. And when I came out, we all bolted for the door. Yeah! Dicks! I hope you like it!

The best part is that they can’t do anything about it. Next time (and there will be a next time) I hope they try to start something. I really do.

If they say I can’t use the bathroom, I’ll cause a scene about them trying to block a paying customer. I’ll say they’re racists. If they accost me after I get out of the place and say I’m going to run off, I’ll have one of my buddies record their brutality, and post it to every social media account I can! It’ll go viral and they’ll probably have to shut down. I’ll sue those cocksuckers! I don’t even care.

The point is, I’m using your restroom when I want, where I want, and you’re not going to say a goddam thing about it. And if you do, I’ll make sure you pay for it. I’ll make sure you never walk again. You don’t want to mess with me. I’m frick’n crazy!

by Bartt Zarb
Residential Life Magazine


1 thought on “The Main Vein”

  1. At my local pizza place, they make you buy something before they give you the key to the restroom. Not so easy to get around that, Bartt!

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