December Downer

So this putz at work thinks I have it out for him. We had this office gift exchange at Christmas and he put in the only gag gift. I got it, and even though I thought about breaking his legs right then and there, I didn’t, and instead laughed it off. I did make a note of it, though, and if I ever see him the parking lot, he’s gonna feel my windshield at 30 mph!

Deep Trouble

Anyway, I guess he got called into the supervisor’s office, where he got a real talking to. I mean he got raked over the goddam coals! This is what I hear, at least. If it were me, I would have broken a mirror over that SOB’s eyes! I would have taken a fug’n mallet to his gut. I’d beat him to a point where he’d have to take a month off work. I would teach him a lesson he’d keep for life.

You Can’t See Me

The point is, now I noticed him trying to avoid me in the office. Whenever I see him, he just kind of slinks away. If I see him at his car, he makes this stupid face and just puts his head down and walks off. I get that he’s pissed, but I wasn’t the one who bought the gag gift. I also wasn’t the one who said anything about it. I guess someone was “offended” on my behalf. Asshole. I should stab them in the neck just for getting in my business. I should break a chair over their shoulders, then throw their desk on top of them. I’ll do it! I don’t give two shits. No one goes behind my back like that. No one.

Mending Fences

So now I have to decide if this prick is worth explaining the situation to, or if I should just let him go on thinking that I squealed like a greased pig. On the one hand, I don’t want to come off like some little whiny bitch, but on the other hand, if he thinks I’ve got an eye on him (not in a gay way or anything), maybe he’ll stop being such a douche and act normal for a change.

Part of me wants to let it go. Bygones and all that. But the other part of me wants to push his face so far into the pavement that he’ll be sneezing tar and road pellets for years to come! I’ll crack his head open like a fug’n cantaloupe! I’ll get him in a headlock ‘til he passes out, then stomp on his nuts ‘til I hear a pop! That motherfucker’s not gonna get away with this. Not on my watch. Not today. No way, no how. I’ll punch him in his goddam jaw! I’ll break the fug’n thing off and huck like a goddam boomerang!

by Abraham “Able Abe” Aenstograafik
Residential Life Magazine

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