Safety and Security

(Not) Being Neighborly

Oh, man, you shoulda been there! Some douche just tried to turn around in my driveway. I ran out with an axe! Almost clipped the tail-end of his truck! He peeled outta there so fast! I loved it! He had a kid in the back seat. You shoulda seen the look on her face when I rushed the truck! Scared for her life! Priceless. It’s a good life lesson for her.

Taking Liberties

I’m so tired of these people thinking they can use my driveway for their own needs  just ‘cause they’re visiting one of my psychotic neighbors. And that somehow gives them the right to disrespect me?! Hell no.

And it’s not just my driveway, either. Last month, this couple was huddled under my porch roof just to get out of the pouring rain. I went out there with a cattle prod! Said I’d electrocute them both right then and there if they didn’t get to stepping. They ran so fast! It was great! Soaked to the bone. Serves ‘em right.

No Safe Zone

It’s not just people that try to take advantage of me, though. All the neighborhood pets think it’s funny to use my yard as a lounging area, or worse, a bathroom. I read online that pets like the taste of coolant, but they can’t digest it, so it kills ‘em. I’ve got two bowlfuls of coolant outside right now, just waiting for some trespassing critter to learn the lesson of its life. No one’s gonna disrespect me like that. No one.

The other day, the neighbor kid had a little play date on the street in front of my house. I’m about to teach his prick friend the way of the world. I’m about to go out there with a shotgun and take care of business. I’m not gonna take any of this lying down. Not by a long shot!

by Abraham “Able Abe” Aenstograafik
Residential Life Magazine


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