Politics and Society

Don’t Stand So Close to Me


So I’m in the bathroom doing my thing and some guy comes up and stands right next to me, even though there’s about six other open urinals.

Look, I get that some other dude was using the last one, but this guy still could have used a middle one, which would have given him a good amount of space between the both of us. This dude obviously isn’t up to snuff on his Urinal Protocol. Say, for instance, there are five ‘spots.’

  1. The first guy comes in and uses the very last one.
  2. The second guy picks the one farthest from him.
  3. The third guy takes the middle one, and anyone else will wait.

Yes, they’ll wait even though there are two urinals that are technically open. This is what guys do. This is the standard.

So I don’t know what his guy’s problem was today. Kind of weird to pick the second one in if you ask me, but, hey, whatever works for the guy, y’know? I’m not gonna even bring it up to this guy. I’m just saying it was weird is all. Real weird.

by Stavros “Stolli” Capleton
Residential Life Magazine

Politics and Society

Under the Radar

No one votes in mid-term elections. If you haven’t figured that out already, learn it. It’s not a good thing, and is certainly a problem, but that’s where we are right now.

Lately, though, I’ve noticed a trend. Sneaky political groups are getting their pet projects and policies passed, (sort of) under the radar. In fact, if you want something to be passed with little to no discussion or protest, get it on the mid-term ballot.

Believe me, I fully recognize the problem. So before any of you sociopaths write in with your maniacal solutions, save it. I get it. I’m not looking for an answer here. I’m just pointing out an issue.

At the end of the day, everyone who is legally eligible to vote is physically able to get their vote in, regardless of whether or not they can visit the polls. But so long as people are lazy and disaffected mofos, this cycle will continue.

by Danka Leebon
Residential Life Magazine

Politics and Society

Be Aware

Here’s the thing: everyone has ulterior motives. Everyone. No one says or does things out of the goodness of their heart. They always have a hidden agenda. They always want something from you. Your job is to figure out what it is.

Even your family will stab you in the back if given the chance. People are awful, awful creatures whose only goal is self-advancement.

Watch Your Back

For the most part, that’s as far as it goes, but there is a sub-group that actively seeks out ways to undermine others. These people will throw you under the bus at the drop of a hat. They’ll make sure your life is miserable. They want you to fail, and then they’ll take a celly pic and post it online, so everyone else can “like” it, and comment on how much of a goddam loser you are.

Bottom line, don’t trust anybody. Even your priest will find a way to keep a boot on your throat, to keep you from ever advancing. He’ll find a way to make you pay.

by Ericka Ng
Residential Life Magazine

Politics and Society

Common Courtesy

So you don’t care what other people think about you? That’s great. But you still need to be cognizant and respectful of other people’s feelings.

I’m Walking Here

I know a dude who is constantly annoying. He’s always in your face: talking, yelling, jumping, dancing, and otherwise being a real prick-o. He says he “doesn’t care what anyone thinks.” I think he’s got to work on his interpretation.

Respect Walk

So you’re not self-conscious about eating shellfish and pork rinds in public? That’s great. But meanwhile, we’re all sitting here, plugging our noses and ready to throw up.

So you don’t mind if people stare while you jump around making an ass of yourself? Fine. But why should we have to endure the outburst? And there are countless other scenarios and examples.

The point is, being secure and confident with your personality and abilities is commendable. Being a jerk — with no regard for others — is condemnable. Know the difference.

by Danka Leebon
Residential Life Magazine

Politics and Society

Call Me, Call Me

Here’s the thing. I know being on call sucks. I’ve been there. And when I was there, I typically stayed close to home and occupied myself with things that could be easily interrupted at a moment’s notice.

And, yes, I only remember getting called in one time, and even then it was only for about an hour. But at least I was prepared, and at least I didn’t make everyone else be on call with me.

Eat it

Have Some Respect

So it really ticks me off when people who are supposed to be on call go to the movies, the library, or any other place where you’re supposed to shut off your electronic devices, and people can naturally expect some semblance of peace and quiet.

Were I Able Abe or even Jon Novin, now is the time where I’d devolve into a flurry of empty threats and macho chest-puffing. I’m not going to stoop to that level.

What I will do is issue a simple call for basic human respect and decency. I’m certainly not suggesting you are not entitled to fun and/or to treat yourself, friends, and family with an enjoyable night out. But there is no good reason to subject others who are seeking that same end to endure your rude behavior, simply because of your work schedule.

No one — not even doctors — is on call 24/7. Save your “fun time” for the moments when you can actually have fun, and not ruin it everyone else with your constant cell phone noises and conversations. Thanks in advance.

by Lina Saldarriaga
Residential Life Magazine

Politics and Society

Let it Go

I just read an article making fun of Americans for “mispronouncing foreign words.”

Here’s the thing, using an accent on one word sounds stupid. When you’re speaking a city name, or landmark, or what have you in casual conversation and you happen to accidentally mispronounce the word, it’s not the end of the world, and it’s not something for which you should be ridiculed.

I didn’t want to go here, but I hear tourists mispronounce things all the time. The difference is that I don’t make a big deal out of it. Because no one really cares, and it really doesn’t make any difference. As long as we can understand what each other is getting at, I don’t see what the big issue is.

So all you haters can save the snickering, attitude, and pointless Facebook posts. Complaining about how someone speaks only makes you look like an entitled idiot. Stop it.

by Amber O’Neal
Residential Life Magazine

Politics and Society

Local Losers

The incumbent mayor in my hometown just got voted in for a third term. The guy is as incompetent as they come. Everywhere I go, I hear people moaning and complaining about his policies and (lack of) leadership. So how is this guy still running this town?!

The short, sad-but-true answer is that most people don’t pay attention to local races. It’s true that there currently exists in this country an apathy toward elections in general, and (depending on who you ask) with good reason. But this is a case where it behooves people (as my uncle used to say) to have their votes counted at the ballot box.

This isn’t to belittle Presidential elections, but when it comes to the day-to-day, local elections are hugely important to people’s lives, even if they don’t know or want to admit it.

This is Your Life

Your tax dollars at work

Water rates, local roads, even things that are “off the radar” for most people (like trash pick-up) are all determined at the local level. Do you think your U.S. Senator is worried if there’s a stoplight at the busy intersection where your kids play? They couldn’t care less.

This doesn’t mean that local politicians are at all more compassionate than their indifferent counterparts in Washington. It just means that they have the power to completely and immediately mess up your life if they want to.

Local leaders can close down roads on a whim. They can raze your home to make way for a new school, and you can’t say boo about it. They can hike your property taxes 12 times in year, if they so choose, and your only recourse is to move to the next town — full of the same City Hall crooks. These jerks can and will uproot your whole life in a heartbeat.

Deaf Ears

The sad reality is that the scenario will never be perfect. But if you and your friends work together to get someone in local office who isn’t a complete psychotic and megalomaniac, you might actually find that life moves a little smoother.

The thing is, no one is going to do that, so nothing is going to change. And across this great country, idiot mayors and lackey City Councils will continue to devise maniacal plans to make the lives of tax-paying, God-fearing citizens as miserable as they can. And by blindly re-electing them each year, you’re allowing it to happen!

by Tuppence “Penny” Piazza
Residential Life Magazine