Get a Life

Following a storm, I had some yard waste I wanted to get rid of. Tuesday (yard waste day) came and went, and the stuff was still there. Wednesday, I noticed they left a note that the stuff needed to be tied up or “contained.”

At this point, a sane person would just tie the stuff up and wait until next Tuesday. But that’s not the route I took! Instead, I just put it on the other side of the house, knowing that the yard guys mow the lawn on Friday.

Now, they have a choice to either leave the stuff there and mow around (which would come back to bite them) or pick it up. Either way, I win. Yay, passive aggression!

by Jeremiah Johnson
Residential Life Magazine

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Gotta Get Paid

Here’s the thing. No one like over-paying for things, and I’m right there with them. But even I will concede sometimes.

I never buy popcorn or snacks at the movies. That markup is just criminal. But if I’m at an event, and they’re selling diet Coke for $2 a pop, I’ll usually buy one.

You’re paying for the ‘cold’ (even if you smuggle in a soda, it’s unlikely it’ll keep its temp for long), but also the people there have to pay their own bills, including employees, tent/space rental, and more.

I used to be a real tightwad, but now I’ve realized that sometimes you just have to suck it up and pay the price. It’s not the end of the world.

by Bonifacio Santiago
Residential Life Magazine

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Busted

I’ve been waiting so long to see a Google street view vehicle. It’s become a dream of mine. When I finally get to see one, I’ll immediately disable it and vandalize the hell out of it for trespassing and invasion of privacy.

google-maps-car

Big Brother

Who made Google the NSA? What gives them the right to photograph private property and then post it online without consent? I’m ready to take this to a lawyer. If I could make it to Google HQ, I’d take it right upside the head of everyone I encounter. I’d break everything in sight! I’ll shove someone out a second-story window if I have to! That’s how pissed I am about this!

Fighting Back

A like-minded friend put up a bunch of signs on his property and even re-arranged the landscaping so it basically tells Google where to shove it. His plants spell out “F– You, Google!” so that even if they blur out the signs, they’d have to blur out the whole yard. He’s got a few of his neighbors signed on to the plan, too! They want to be the only place on earth that Google hasn’t made their selfish mark. I say good luck to them! I am a huge supporter!

It’s time average citizens start to take their power back from the powers that be. It’s time residents of communities across the nation finally say “enough is enough” and put their feet down once and for all. Take the necessary steps to shut down the Google anti-privacy machine. Do what you have to do.

by Bartt Zarb
Residential Life Magazine
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Hand Out

I couldn’t believe this restaurant listed an “automatic 18% gratuity” to the meal! Who in hell do they think they are?!

Tips should be dependent on service. Plain and simple. Not the amount of food that’s ordered. Not the amount of people in the party. Not the distance you had to travel to make the delivery, or any other lame mandate.

I’ll admit there was one time I didn’t leave any tip. The guy was just as rude as he could be, several people who came in after us were served before us, and the entire meal — which should have taken an hour, tops — took three hours! Ridiculous!

Further, it’s not my fault that your employer pays you peanuts. I shouldn’t have to be expected to pick up the slack. I’m not your boss, I’m a paying customer! Treat me with some goddam respect.

I’m starting to get heated here, so let me close by saying that a tip is a monetary version of a pat on the back — a tangible “job well done.” Tips shouldn’t be taken for granted, and they sure as hell should not be automatic!

I’ll never go back to that hole. I hope they fail.

by Willa Shaykhs
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Freedom!

Dude just escaped from the county jail. He was on the run for about three weeks until they finally caught him. More charges now, of course. Too bad.

I’m no criminal lover, but I was glad he made it out. Put some nice, runny egg all over the faces of the arrogant prison officials, the mayor, and that fat-assed sheriff of ours.

Thing is, this guy didn’t commit any other crimes in the time he was out. Would he have done so if they never caught him? Maybe. But this dude was trying to make something of himself. Went straight to the factory where he used to work and tried to get a job there. Was even going to get hired back, too! Now the boss there is under investigation, which is just horseshit if you ask me.

Escaped Prisoners
Two convicted killers escaped a New York prison in 2016. One was later killed, the other brought back to prison

Turn Around, Look at Me

And of course nothing is being done to the dumb-ass LEOs who let it happen in the first place. No way. They’re just cracking down on the inmates, and hoping the general public doesn’t realize what lazy pricks they are.

I don’t even remember what this guy was in for. Stealing or something. It wasn’t murder, I know that. And again, I’m not saying his crimes should just be ignored altogether, or that he shouldn’t at least get a little something for breaking out. I mean, he had to know it was wrong.

But if he’s going to get in trouble, so should the officers. They need to get some jail time, or at the very least lose their jobs.

Opportunist

Basically, criminals are going to do what they need to do to get a little freedom. If that means breaking out of the place, so be it. Spend a few weeks in the sewer if you have to. Do what you can to get ahead.

And as long as these fat slob LEOs don’t have to get the skills and training they should to do the job, I think it’s great if people break out. I hope more people do it! I hope they don’t get caught next time! I would love it!

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Tough Luck

Today’s so-called “gangsters” are a joke. They say they’re not afraid of anything, but in reality they’re a bunch of pussies who’ll back down in two seconds flat.

They like to flaunt their guns and money, but they always show up on screen with masked voices and bandanas covering their faces. Scaredy cats.

The same goes for ISIS — those little ass clowns. They really like to harass and murder innocent people, yet they always show up with covered faces. Show yourselves, you cowards!

And then there’s the KKK, and the list goes on. Little boys playing house, the lot of them. These “gangsters” are nothing more than lost little kids. Misfits. Deadbeats. Morons of the highest order. They should all be in prison.

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End of the Line

Living in a popular retirement area, you often read articles about senior living. Today, there was a piece about some lady who’s fighting her kids for the “right” to keep driving. She’s 95! I hope either the kids can knock some sense into her, or she’ll die before she kills some innocent driver or pedestrian.

Sadly, that’s what happened just last week. This 86-year-old douche took his Lincoln Towncar out for a spin and ended up jumping the curb and killing pedestrians who just happened to be walking by: a young mother and her toddler who was in a stroller. Now two people are dead just because some old asswipe didn’t know when it was time to hang up the keys. And it looks like nothing’s going to happen to him on account of his age.

Sign of the Times

I’m so tired of these geezers acting like they’re not getting old. And before anyone says it, yes, I realize that I’ll likely get to that stage. But the difference is, I won’t be so selfish as to willingly put other people in danger just because I feel like I should be able to act like I’m still in my 20s.

older-driver
Get the hell off the road

I don’t give two shits what these people say about how they feel like they’re losing their freedom, and how much it sucks to get old, and on and on. All I know is that if it were my loved one who’s now dead because of some absent-minded octogenarian, I would take drastic measures. That’s a promise and a fact. If you kill someone on the road because you’re too self-absorbed to realize that your reaction time is dangerously slow, you need to be severely punished.

Prove It

Once you pass a certain age, say 75, you should have to take a driving test every year. Every single year. And if you don’t pass, there go your driving privileges. And if for whatever reason you don’t like it, you can lump it. You can lump the hell out of it. And if, after that, you then decide to buck the system and go on a joy ride, and you end up causing damage to life and/or property, you should be publicly beaten within an inch of your life. Maybe you’ll die from your injuries. And it would serve your selfish ass right.

Rants n’ Raves with Jon Novin
Opinion Editor
Residential Life Magazine