Awkward Proposal

Dear Suri, I’ve been dating ‘Derek’ for about three years now. We’ve been living together for two. He’s a wonderful man, and I couldn’t be happier with our relationship. I think we both know that we are made for each other, so I shouldn’t have been surprised when he proposed during a hot air balloon ride. The thing is, I was.

I love him, and I am ready to get married. I’ve been waiting for it my whole life! I just didn’t like the whole “mid-air” proposal. The balloon-operator guy was there, and ‘Derek’ had obviously told people what he was going to do, because I could see our friends and family on the ground below. I never gave him an answer. I just stood there, shocked, then told the balloon guy he had to take us down. I could see ‘Derek’ was not happy.

When we landed, everyone wanted to know what happened. ‘Derek’ took off, pissed, and I ran off crying. I tried to explain it, but no one seems to understand what I’m going through, or why I did what I did. I mean, this is what I’ve always wanted! His friends won’t talk to me, and even my friends think I’m a psycho. What the hell is wrong with me?! — Apprehensive in Ansonia (CT)
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Dear Apprehensive, Emotions can be confusing and unpredictable. Perhaps you were nervous that day, or were ‘caught off guard’ by the proposal. Your emotional assessment of the situation may also have been affected by the presence of the balloon operator, or your loved ones awaiting your safe return. There is, however, another possibility to consider.

You and ‘Derek’ have shared a home for two-thirds of your relationship. Have you ever been apart for any length of time during that period? Emotional well-being includes a firm knowledge of oneself. Even married people should take heed not to lose the grasp on their personal identities.

Rather than expending your emotional resources on trying to “explain” your feelings, now may be the time to focus on yourself, as you determine — and perhaps reinforce — your true intentions for ‘Derek’ and the future of your relationship. There is no wrong answer, however the final decision is one that only you can make. ~ Suri 
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Suri Says™

by Suri Syrtawnya | Advice | Residential Life Magazine 

It’s Bad to be King

Like many kids growing up during the ‘excessive 80s,’ I loved playing Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! But, for reasons unbeknownst to my young self at the time, I always hesitated before any ‘win.’

Was I worried at the possibility of actually losing? Did I fear having to go back to the beginning, to work myself back up to this point, knowing my parents surely wouldn’t allow me the extra hour of video game time to do so?

There were likely elements of these scenarios (and many others) at play during those strangely stressful moments, but I think more than anything, I just didn’t want the responsibility of being a better ‘fighter,’ or possibly becoming the ‘champ.’

Good luck, kid!

I realize that may sound odd, especially for a young man whose entire life at the time was essentially driven by competition, by overcoming opponents, by pushing himself to his absolute limits, with his ‘eyes on the prize’ of victory. Well, victory and getting the girl at the front of the class to notice him, but that’s a topic for another day.

But now I realize that my hesitation was not so much a fear of the fight but, rather, a fear of the responsibility that comes with winning. In some ways, that grade-school ideal remains to this day.

I’m not saying I don’t still have my ‘eyes on the prize.’ I actively seek out opportunities to learn and grow, both at work and in my personal life. Still, as great as it must be to have the ‘big office upstairs,’ I’m sure my boss has looked out the window more than a few nights, watching us all head home for the day, and thought about the ‘good ol’ days’ when she was able to do the same.

They say “it’s good to be the king,” and I’m sure it probably is. However, kings also have to endure the constant attempts to overthrow them, often from members of their own family, or those they considered ‘close friends.’

So, while I would have loved to be the pixelated boxing champion of the world back then, I just couldn’t take the pressure of it all. Hey, when you’re a kid, that’s about the most pressure you have to endure.

There’s a lot to be said for being just an average person. Not necessarily mediocre, but not a ‘shining star’ either. Somewhere right in the middle, like being wrapped in a Snuggie of ‘pretty good.’

Sure, you may not be able to reap all the benefits of the ‘kings,’ but you also won’t have to endure the stresses, and you won’t have to be looking over your shoulder all the time. In the end, you can keep the gold medal. I’ll take my middle-of-the-line “Intercontinental Champion” belt every time.

by Gordon T. Elliott | Residential Life Magazine 

Suri Says: Couples & Holidays

Dear Suri, For various reasons, I spent Thanksgiving apart from my live-in girlfriend of seven years. Nothing is wrong in our relationship. She just wanted to see her family in one area of the state, and I wanted to see mine in another area. So we “split” the holiday.

Not every Thanksgiving has to be like this!

It was no big deal, really. We both ended our ‘stay-cations’ early, so we could be together for the last two days of the four-day weekend. Now, it looks like the same thing is going to happen for Christmas.

The problem is, my dad got kind of upset when he heard about this. He says that “couples should be together for the holidays.” He says it looks odd when we keep spending the time apart like this, and said that eventually we are just going to not want to spend any time together at all. I think just the opposite!

We see each other every day, Suri. It’s not like we are just dating and then not wanting to be together, and it’s not like we have kids or anything. We are both young and just want to be able to enjoy ourselves, and sometimes that means doing so alone, or at least separately.

Anyway, I told her what my dad said, and I guess now her mom feels the same way. I don’t want to make a big issue out of it with her family or mine. I also don’t want either of us to not have as much fun as we could, or wish we were someplace else, just because we feel like we “should” do something or other. I just feel like people are making an issue out of nothing. Neither of us care, so why should they?! — Chuck | Ackley, Iowa

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Dear Chuck, Whether they “should” care may be a moot point, as it appears both families have made their opinions on the matter clear.

Could you not make a sort of holiday schedule? Perhaps next year you could both spend Thanksgiving with her family and Christmas with yours, then reverse the order the following year. A third year, you could opt to spend the holidays together, with your respective families, or even enjoy the ‘alone time’ you have mentioned.

Notwithstanding your (and her) laid-back attitude toward the holiday ‘split,’ a compromise such as this may be enough to satisfy all parties involved. ~ Suri

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About Suri Says™

Suri Syrtauwnya is the resident advice queen at Residential Life Magazine. Her unique insight into “pickles and predicaments” (as she puts it) has helped many of us sort out even the most difficult of decisions. Now, we’re sharing this valuable resource! Submit your questions for Suri.