Hot for Hooters

When you need chicken wings, you need ’em now. At least that was the case for one Florida man who police say called 911 for a ride to Hooters.

Hankerin’ for a Snack

Merritt Island police say 28-year-old Jonathan Hinkle told a dispatcher that his grandmother was having a stroke in the parking lot of a local Hooters, and claimed he needed a ride there so he could help save her life. The only problem is, Hinkle’s grandmother was fine, and was nowhere near the restaurant at the time of the call.

Misuse of the emergency system is a third-degree felony. If convicted, Hinkle faces up to five years in prison.

News Offbeat
Real Stories from Around the World
by Danny Inc  
News Editor
Residential Life Magazine

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Anger Management Candidate

chop
Poke Chop

Affectionately known as ‘Poke Chop’ – this (not so) friendly fellow bonded out of jail mere hours after (somehow) burying his construction site supervisor with dirt, and then assaulting him with a level. In fact, Mr. Chop seems to have a bit of an obsession with levels — this being the third time he’s attacked someone with the tool.

In this latest adventure, following a heated discussion, ‘Poke’ (real name: Erick Cox) used a front-end loader to transfer dirt from a nearby pile directly on top of his boss, repeating this process until the supervisor was buried up to the neck. Why the thought never crossed this worker’s mind to simply walk away — given the very slow speed of most construction equipment — is yet unknown.

When cops showed up looking for answers, most workers told them to, in effect, get lost — their exact words unfit for print. One witness, however, offered an account of the incident, saying once the supervisor was secured in place, Poke Chop proceeded to beat him about the head and shoulders with the six-foot aluminum level — all the while “laughin’, hootin’ and hollerin’, and havin’ the time of his life.”

Aside from his un level-headed attacks, our model citizen has also been arrested for domestic violence, felony battery, hit-and-run, and other charges.

News Offbeat
Real Stories from Around the World
by Danny Inc  
News Editor
Residential Life Magazine

It’s Getting Hot in Here

I’m so tired of people bitching about the cold weather and snow. It’s winter! Unless you’re only 10 months old, you’ve experienced at least one in your life!

Look, having to deal with the cold and ice, poor driving conditions and all that winter brings is no picnic. I get it. I grew up in the Northeast and had my fair share of seasonal woes: everything from fender benders to just having to get up at the ass-crack of dawn to shovel the driveway so you could get the hell out and to work. I’m no stranger to all that.

Later, I got a job in Southern Ohio, and that wasn’t too bad. Still had to deal with winter, but even during a storm it wasn’t as much as up North, and it usually only lasted about three months and then the sun was out again, warming things up.

snowy scene
Suck it up or shut it up.

But these people who complain every winter and don’t do a damn thing about it are driving me nuts! And before someone says something about not being able to afford to move, you can save it.

I moved down South with about $300 to my name, no savings account, and no job. The first year all I could get were three part-time jobs — enough to get a crappy, roach-infested apartment and still be able to keep my car. But you know what? On the weekends, I would hit the beach for free, and that was pretty great.

And before some douche writes in about “you had to pay for gas to get to the beach,” yeah, I know! You also have to pay for gas to get anywhere, so eat it.

I’m not saying I’m smarter for moving South, and I’m not trying to convince anyone else to do it. We all choose where we live for different reasons, and those choices are what makes life great.

But if you don’t like the winter, try saving even a few bucks each month. It might take you a few years, but eventually you’ll have enough to get out of there and move to a warmer climate.

It doesn’t have to be Florida or California, it could even be Ohio. Just make some movement, instead of bitching about the cold all the time. It’s tiring, and I’ve had enough of it!

by Lizzie Dementia | Residential Life Magazine