Baby Blitz

Dear Suri, A friend is having (another!) baby, and all of us in the “mommy club” are expected to contribute to a gift card from a local clothing store. The minimum ‘buy-in’ is $20, which I think is a bit high. Though an e-mail sent to everyone said contributing was “optional,” I have noticed that one woman has been keeping a list, and approaching everyone who hasn’t yet paid.

Buy your own damn clothes!

It’s not that I don’t want her baby to look great, Suri, it’s just that I am getting a tired of this seemingly constant call for contributions. If it’s not clothes for someone’s baby, it’s chocolate so kids can go on a school trip, or coupon books so they can get new sports uniforms. It never ends!

I’ve a mind not to contribute this time. It just seems a bit excessive. This will be the third time we’ve been expected to dress one of her babies. She certainly has enough money to buy the clothes herself! Honestly, I’d rather give the cash to a local charity, or someone who actually needs it. — Rachael L. | San Marcos, CA
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Dear Rachael, A joyous occasion should never bring with it feelings of duty, frustration or contempt. If you’d rather not contribute, the best policy is still honesty. Your alternative of a charitable donation may also catch on. Good luck to you. ~ Suri
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Suri Says™

by Suri Syrtauwnya | Advice | Residential Life Magazine

Big Rig Rage

If I see one more 18-wheeler on the road today, I’m going to lose it. I mean really lose it. I’m so tired of these jackass truckers acting like they own the road.

You know the type I’m talking about: they pass another semi at 15 mph below the speed limit, causing a back-up a mile long behind them. They jut in front of you on the highway, causing you to have to slam on the brakes, just so they don’t have to hit their own brakes. They’re always causing backups, delays, accidents and who knows what else. I’m tired of it!

Most of these asswipes are hopped up on drugs all the time. The rest are petty criminals who couldn’t get a real job, so they become “road warriors.” I’m not just talking about long-haul semi drivers here, either. I’m including school bus drivers, package delivery thugs — the whole lot of them!

It’s time we get these goddam truckers off the road once and for all. And before any of you psychotics start writing in, complaining about “how would we get clothes and food” this and “it creates jobs” that, let me set you sons-of-bitches straight.

If we buy local, we won’t have to worry about getting food from other states or countries. If you live in an area where it snows in the winter, you’ll just have to go back to the old days of canning food… and you’ll have to learn to like it, you little pricks!

I’m not saying we won’t have any trucking at all. They’ll just have to take a federally-mandated “break” from 7-9am and again from 4-6pm weekdays. During those times, the road belongs to commuters. On the weekends, they can do whatever the hell they want; I don’t give two shits.

But what I won’t stand for is these goddam truckers taking free reign of the highways, just ‘cause they think they’re somehow entitled to it. I swear, the next time I see a trucker try to pull a fast one on me, I’ll run him off the road! I’ll do that in a heartbeat! I’ll jump on the back of his rig and cut the cables! I don’t even care! I’ll open the cab door and beat that piece of crap within an inch of his life!

It’s time for these truckers to learn a lesson, and if I have to be the one to teach them what’s what, so be it! I’ll push their goddam faces into the pavement! I am done with this horseshit!

by Abraham “Able Abe” Aenstograafik | Gaseoustania Tonight